It taught me HOW to think,

The only reason I am writing this blog is to open up my own vulnerabilities with the one sole purpose of perhaps relating to one other person that is struggling, in order to give some signposts that may help them to find their own light and start to make it shine again.

There is always a sunrise. Always.

A hundred years ago I left school, barely out of nappies, but obviously knew it all.

I did an engineering apprenticeship even though I wanted to be a BBC cameraman (that story, and the lesson I learned from it, is for a later blog).

Much of the engineering training was inevitably prescriptive, I was taught principals and methods etc, but a small-in-time but massive-in-effect, chunk of the first 2 years was learning HOW to think.

I didn't know it at the time but this meant that I could eventually go into any situation and work out HOW to solve a problem that you hadn't come across before.

Applying this to my job became easier as time and experience went by. Responding to dynamic situations, creating new solutions or adapting previous solutions to today's new and never seen before problem became second nature, I eventually graduated with a PhD in winging it, in a positive way.

That was fine, all hail the problem solver.

However, all was not fine.

I could do this at work, but not in my personal life.

I could do it for others, but not for myself.

I could do it when told to, but not when I was in free space.

There was a block.

I wasn't aware of the block until much later when I had time, free space and no work to distract me and give me that a sense of purpose.

It led to a breakdown of myself and my relationship.

What was the block?

Over a period of a few years I had started to realise my sense of self, the 'who is Paul Wain', was missing.

There was no solid foundation of 'I am'.

The labels of 'engineer', 'rugby player', 'hill walker', easily tripped off the tongue.

The underlying qualities were not as easily found, my sense of worthiness relied on outside activities, take them away and there was nothing.

I did loads of 'stuff', most of it interesting. And if someone said let's do...... then I jumped at the opportunity. Enjoyed it mostly. Had a blast mostly.

But take away the sense of purpose of work and my house of cards, beyond family, tumbled. I simply had never thought about it, or needed to. Others in the same situation did. I had missed the memo.

So, now I had time, free space, and no distraction, and also no sense of self, what do I do?

This is where the HOW to think starts to need to be developed to work on myself.

The whole application and structure needed revamped, from fixing things and situations to fixing myself.

But at least the principles were the same, although my PhD in winging-it needed a diploma in 'I am'.

The principles of:

1) Where/what are you now. The current situation.

2) Where/what do you want to be next. The desired outcome.

Number 1 was relatively easy, it started with: 'not where I want to be', 'not doing what I want to do', perhaps most importantly: 'not being who I want to be'

Number 2 though was impossible to define. Except a vague reference to the opposite of the 3 things in number 1.

Neither of those 2 answers were anywhere near sufficient to build a solution.

My 'HOW-to' had to be turned inward, and I'd never done that before.

But as I said: adapt it to the problem, even though the problem was 58 years old.

'Let's walk into this retirement' I said, 'It'll be easy' I said, 'give me a couple of weeks and I'll have it sussed' I said.

None of that came true of course. I was exposed, vulnerable, had no distractive occupation and spiralled down and thankfully stopping before hitting the bottom. There was just me. And who am I? This was a bit new, I hadn't been in this dark place before, didn't like it much. But I came to realise that because I had not known myself, I had not been honest with myself and probably for a long time, at least going back to the BBC cameraman thought, but probably before that, probably long before that. Some of that shit will no doubt come out in future blogs, but the purpose here is to share some of the tools that I needed.

Starting with honesty.

I don't really care if you are dishonest with others, it would be nice and indeed desirable, possibly essential as time goes by, but for now it is paramount to be honest with yourself.

I thought I was, I would argue till I was blue in the face that I was. But once the veil was lifted there it was staring me in the face.

Denial of course kicks in. Then you have that fight with yourself for a wee while. And lose.

You start to recognise your misalignment with who you thought was you.

As you clear some of what you think is other peoples baggage, but is really your own, some of the horrors you thought were hidden start to reveal themselves.

Did I actual think that was OK?, did I actually say that? Did I actually do that? Was that actually me?

Pretty much the answers come back as a yes. You wonder who possessed you.

But you had slipped towards this end imperceptibly inch by inch.

This does not resonate now at all with the person you have no idea who is inside.

but it is definitely not you.

You descend down the emotional ladder:

Way past denial, we passed that bad boy ages ago, onwards to fear and anxiety, hitting the side of regret on the way. But there's no resting now, we're tumbling towards good old despair and blame, finally solidly hitting shame.

And from here there is only one way up.

How the F do you recover?

Simple answer is see it for what it is. Face it. Accept it.

Yep that was me. It did happen. I did create all of that. ALL of it.

And there is no changing one iota of it. It is locked in the vaults of history.

But that isn't ME. And here is the nub.

I had to take the time to go back into myself, sit quietly, ask a million questions. Then importantly, listen to the answers.

I did confide in a few, I did seek out those answers in some weird and wonderful places. Massively I realised I was not alone.

And I eventually started to hear the answers that resonated.

The resonation is an indicator of the true you.

I started to see ME.

Bearing in mind that this was during the most disruptive period of my life.

And bearing in mind that it is a work in progress.

The journey had started.

I had not destroyed the ladder on the way down, I knew that I had faced and accepted shame, I could leave that behind. I had faced and accepted guilt, I could keep climbing. Pride was halfway up, that would do for now. Joy kept giving me a cheeky wave and I know it is up there and reachable.

So the 'HOW to think' helped because I knew there was always a solution.

The 'HOW to think' helped because I was humble enough to know that although I didn't know the answers I was not afraid to ask.

And although I had had some tough problems to crack in my time, this was the worst but most important. My life apprenticeship was ongoing. Just keep asking 'HOW to'.